Now I'm going to open up my heart and soul, and give you the reason I chose my platform
'Every{body} is Beautiful'.
I've always been a fairly confident girl! I've always been aware that my body is far from perfect, but I also realize that I was blessed with a healthy stature! Winning Miss Salem did nothing but good things for me, not only did I develop fundamental skills and habits, but it was just kinda good to know that I won the pageant, meaning I got a decent score on the swimsuit portion! Haha! But my favorite part about being Miss Salem was the service opportunities it provided! Honestly though. Salem has always been my hometown, and I genuinely have a slight obsession with it! Being a part of the festivities and representing Salem was the best thing in the world for me!!! And so after my year of service, I was feeling like I needed another opportunity like that! I needed to continue serving! I'd always thought about being a nanny, but never very seriously, until I got this craving to keep on serving. So I decided to apply through an agency and just see what happens! Long story short... within 2 weeks I'd already interviewed with the family, and had my plane tickets to Larchmont, New York! I was so excited!! I arrived with all the motivation in the world to help this family, and especially the two adorable girls I had the pleasure to tend! I'll admit that the first couple months were hard, I was homesick, but the experiences with Anna and Ava more than made up for it! Now, you must know that my 'nanny mom' was Portuguese, and in incredible cook. Like the MOST AMAZING COOK EVER. She would make soups a couple times a week that looked like they took no effort, but tasted like they belonged in a 5 star restaraunt! I was on cloud 9! Ha! I realllly love food. You must know this about me. I think food is one of the best pleasures in life! So keeping that in mind, I'll get to the heart of this story now. A couple more months in, I realized that I'd gained a bit of weight. Not even that much, but enough that I noticed it, and wasn't happy. In my mind I got scared because I didn't want to be someone that went away on this adventure, and let myself go in the process. I didn't want to come home, and have everyone think "Wow, what happened to her?" Which really would never happen, especially with my friends and family, but that's the idea that I started to let consume my mind. It became a part of my daily thought process. Every time I would eat anything. I was like I was doing something wrong. Which really made me upset because I love food SO MUCH. So eating in my mind because something that was almost punishable. Its so scary how easily these thoughts can come.
And that's when I developed bulemia.
Something I had told myself I would never do. I was so upset with myself on so many levels. It was this constant battle in my mind between, "Sarah, you're so dumb for eating this much, or this nasty food", and "Sarah, you know this is wrong, stop, you're only hurting yourself." It's also very scary how easy this is to hide. Nobody knew. Nobody even suspected. But I knew. And it was killing me inside! I knew better. I have been raised with the knowledge that I matter, that I'm of so much worth. That I'm a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father, who gave me absolutely everything, and all He asks is that I live a life that will give me happiness! And I was doing the opposite. I was making myself miserable, and developing something that could be fatal. I'd completely lost myself. Who was I? It's thoughts like these that made me pull it together, and tell my parents. This was easily the hardest conversation that I've ever had to initiate. I skyped them, so it was the closest thing to face-to-face that I could have. I was so ashamed to tell them, but it was the best decision I could make. I was free, someone other than myself knew, and it was someone that cared, and that I had no doubt would help me! I had a really hard time leaving my little baby girls, in fact, I still feel like I let them down by leaving them early. Its a hard thought, but in reality leaving may have saved my life, so I can't regret it. Coming home was exactly what I needed. Granted, the thoughts were still there, every time I ate. It's not something easily forgotten or healed, I even slipped up a few times. Now, I want you to know that I know my family loves me, and is always willing to help, but when I got home, nobody talked about it. It was like it never happened. They probably just thought it was something I didn't want to talk about, and in reality I didn't! But I think it was something that I needed. It's never good to ignore situations like this, so I'm talking about it now! I am definitely bulemia free now, and luckily I have incredible influences around me all the time! Being home, it's easy for me to remember why I need to love myself. I'm so blessed. I would be so ungrateful and selfish if I let myself slip anymore! I am so lucky to have everything that I have, ESPECIALLY my body! Like I said before, it is ridiculously easy to let those scary thoughts inside your mind, but I truly believe that its just as easy to push them out.
Remember who you are.
Who loves you.
How blessed you are.
Serve.
Serve those who can't control what they look like, for instance those with special needs, or the elderly; and discover how beautiful they are with their pure spirits and wisdom only someone who has lived a full life would have.
Realize how good you have it, and then forget yourself.
The best self therapy can sometimes be as good as listening to someone who really needs it. Or giving someone you wouldn't normally talk to a genuine compliment. I can honestly say that I know this is true, because I've lived it! I'm so far from perfect, but I'm happier than I've ever been. I'm still learning and still earnestly progressing, and I won't stop!
I'm not going back.
I know who I am.
I'm beautiful.
I'm happy!
